The process continues! Another week with patches of intense self-doubt, self-rejection, self-hatred, too much self! It seems as though the tiniest thing can trigger me off. I say hello to someone and they don't smile or offer a hug - "oh no, they must think I gossiped about them and made a judgement. I should be ashamed. They don't like me." Then a beautiful conversation with them the following day proving that absolutely none of what I thought was real. They didn't react badly to me. I had neither judged, nor gossiped.
I have a faulty mirror.
I do not usually live like this! This is not me! Not to this extent and to this level of intensity. Not on a daily basis. But I am in a process... Usually I tick along and perhaps these sorts of issues are low level niggles. "Oh that person wasn't very friendly. I wonder if I did something to offend them. Nah, I'm sure if they had, they would mention it. I'll just ask and see how they're doing and check in." That is the usual. Not this sickening feeling. A strong desire to do anything it takes to make amends, to punish myself. Search my soul and beg Jesus to wipe out every spot and blemish. A litany of self-punishing statements and false comfort.
I have a magnifying mirror.
But... This is all ok. This is all going to be fine. It's going to be more than fine, it's going to be an almighty victory, a breakthrough, a permanent change. It's boot camp! Basic training! Weeding and pruning for dummies! It is all about the mirror I use. I have a rubbish mirror. In order to get a new mirror, I have to first see the reflection more clearly. The reflection has to get bigger. It has to magnify so that I can actually make out the flaws, the wrinkles, the zits! Then, the mirror has to crack, and I have to realise, that the reflection I seek isn't my own glorious reflection staring back at me. It's to know that the best, perfect, most beautiful mirror is the eyes of the One. The eyes of the King. The eyes of my Father. His eyes, His reflection, what He sees. This is me.
How do I crack this mirror?
I have a book to reccomment to you: Leap Into Love: Living Present to my Purpose on the Planet
It's a Bible study. It's by Havilah Cunnington. And it's got teeth! There are other ways to do this Bible study, but I'm just working through the book. I tried to read this book casually over breakfast. but soon realised that it packs a punch and I need to take time out to really read it and journal it through. Today I read the second chapter, speaking about the evidence of self-rejection. It includes some real hot topics for me right now: Anxiety about going out and seeing friends because of how I look. Believing my imperfections make me completely unattractive. Comparing myself to others. Running around, trying to be 'needed' by people. Not seeing myself as having any value until some point in the future instead of seeing myself with great value right now. Timidity to really express my opinion or to ask for help. False comfort. Lack of self-discipline. Lack of self-confidence.
Gloomy reading?! Oh my gosh it is absolutely an enormous relief and a liberation to look in this mirror. I mean really look. And know that this is not me. None of these things are me. These are wrong! Wrong beliefs about me. Wrong beliefs about God. Wrong beliefs about how I'm loved. And as they are beliefs, they can be repented, rebuked and replaced!
I repent of the lie that.... people are judging me and will reject me because of how I look
I repent of the lie that... everyone else is lovely but I am not
I repent of the lie that... I will matter more if I do a good job
And on... and on... and on... There really is no shortcut to this weeding. It just needs to be uprooted and cast off.
I can't say the the full new reflection in the mirror has taken shape yet. I'm only on chapter 2! And I'm in a process. But my faulty, magnifying glass is cracking. The false image is being shattered. And the true reflection from the gaze behind it is beginning to come through.
I'm going to be taking part in a wonderful friend and minister, Mandy Iremiren's Soldiers in Stilettos women's conference in a couple of weeks time. At Cornerstone Christian Centre, the One Two Free Relationship Event takes place on Saturday 28th March. Looking at all relationships including with ourselves and with God, this is a timely and powerful event.
Looking for a worship recommendation this week to fill your mind with good and beautiful truth? I absolutely love this woman, Melissa Helser. She winked at me once, you know!!!
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