Letter from lockdown: Esther in waiting

To Papa Mordecai

By the word of Hathach, servant of the King, to whom I dictated this

Papa M

Since your last word to me, I have been looking for you at the King’s Gate every day but because my view is obscured by the gardens, and it’s such a distance from the walls, it is hard for me to distinguish you in the crowd. I send Hathach to ask if you could arrange to wave at noon? I will arrange to come to the garden at that same time each day. It is such a deep comfort to know you are there Papa M, that you haven’t left my side the whole time I’ve been confined here. No father of my own could be so devoted nor so kind. Despite the people that surround me, there remains a deep loneliness that only the comfort of your vigil has been able to touch. This arrangement will give you some peace so you need not wait there day and night when it will wear you out. I thank our Lord for you, and for Hathach, who is becoming a friend, his warmth and kindness a rarity in this dull palace. There is nobody else here like me, and how they make me feel it. There is no privacy. No escape from scrutiny. Only my identity remains secret, so I confide in him like nobody else, and he is proving loyal and discreet. You may feel confident to share your thoughts with him, and trust his hand to deliver any news.

I’m slowly adjusting to life here. One of the strangest things is that female servants in the palace do not look me in the eye. They come from all tribes and nations. I wish I could talk to them and learn more of their stories. What compassion I have on them being treated so less than human for all are crafted, fearfully and wonderfully, by loving hands. The other women here, the other ‘queens in waiting’, are privileged and bored. They swap gossip, indulge in jealousies, and vie for dominance in our rooms and quarters. The Eunuchs pick and choose allegiances depending on who amuses them, or bribes them, or promises them favour when they become queen. Only dear Hathach has shown that he cannot be bought. He’s not like the others. We often share amused glances at the latest inane thing that is said aloud! He is also an ally in helping me in my resolve not to become like the other women, as I do not want to depart from all that you have taught me Papa M. Your wisdom and your values are what I hold most dear at this time and that, they cannot touch.

This three months has been a strange time indeed. My days feel long and I have trouble sleeping. There are many rooms and dormitories around an atrium with fruit trees and a fountain. I am in a dormitory for six. You would not believe how so many glamourous ladies of the court could snore so loudly! Only the Queen Vashti’s rooms remain empty, waiting for when the King will choose his new bride next year. Everything is untouched as she left it. The door is not barred. I had a look inside one day, saw the silks and jewellery and clothes strewn over the bed and the floor. It’s as though she had just left. I will not be looking there again.

The clothes they brought me to wear to begin with were so shocking to me! Silks that were so rich they were worth a decade’s wages. The styles were so bare they were not right for me at all. We are bathed so often perhaps the women think it’s not worth dressing properly because before long it is time for another bath! I requested something more suitable and at least in this, I have been answered. I am so sick of bathing! Oils, perfumes, hot water, cold water, head to toe. My hair, my eyes, my skin, my hands, there are treatments and beautification processes for every tiny inch. This purification is to go on for months and months. How will I stand it?! I long to work Papa M and do something useful! I long for a change of scenery. To get out from these clay walls, to run in the field, to see my friends, to work with my hands, to help you and care for you… oh for such blessings! And the food! Only Hathach helps me eat what is pure. Such a strange idea they have of purity in this place, all on the outside and not at all on the inside. I did not eat for a full week, partly because I was so desperately missing home. Such things presented here I am sure are great delicacies, but the thought of it makes me sick. Hathach noticed and brought me fruits and breads which is how our friendship began. You can thank him Papa M, he has truly been sent as a comfort and help at this time.

Oils and baths

I have been so bored by the way these women spend their day. Despite my repeated requests to be tutored, so far I have been denied. There are so many of us, and who knows who may be queen. It makes me dream! What I could do with influence and favour over these ladies to teach and instruct thought and light like you have taught me! They prepare our bodies but not our minds. I tell some of our stories of the fathers, of Noah and Israel and Moses. There are some younger girls who especially love this time. Sometimes they seek me out to tell them a story. Seated on cushions with such rich food and wines listening to how Moses was floated in the Nile to escape death and how the princess saved him for the palace - this seems to strike a chord. Perhaps I may yet help them know the goodness and kindness of Adonai and not the wrath of the gods that they serve.

What we are instructed in every day are the customs and practices of this kingdom. What the King likes, what the King dislikes. I do not mind learning this. Beneath the power and majesty of this king, I perceive a heart that is good and that is for justice, despite the twisted values and customs of his kingdom. It is all he has ever known and despite it all, I have compassion for him. Please pray for me that I may know and understand the King’s heart, that I may learn what I need to but more than that, that I may minister a love and kindness that he has never known. That when I meet him he might recognise something in me that testifies to the love of our Father in Heaven that he lacks.

Maybe it is our Lord’s design after all that I not learn to write. I may share so freely through Hathach all that I would truly want to express without fear of being caught!

Dear Papa M. I send you all the love, gratitude and joy of my heart. How I miss you and pray that we may be together again. Please tell Hathach how you are, and I will send him to you again soon.

Your Esther

Inspired by the book of Esther in the English Standard Version